I am a single parent who has had her share of raising her own and now dealing with my boyfriends spoiled teenage son. I have set rules in my home from day one with my own children and are still effective today, but, with my boyfriends son they seem non existent because of how he (grandmother and ex wife) has raised his son.
For example, If I ask his son to do a specific chore, he goes behind my back to his dad and tells his dad (no questions asked here its all demands) he will do them after school. This will be a whole day before they get done. The dad on the other hand doesn't like dealing with issues and tells him ';whatever dude'; so the son gets his way. I on the other hand will have asked my boyfriend why the dishes aren't done, he tells me to take it up with his son. When I do, the son thinks I am picking on him (he has told his dad that I pick on him when he is asked to do a chore).
I don't believe these people have had this child to any chores to help out in the household. How will this child make it without the basics he needs to know in the real world? How to cook, clean up after himself, etc.
Now, does anyone have any comments, suggestions on how to deal with this ';other'; family? I love my boyfriend and his son and have tried talking to him about the issues but all he thinks is that I am trying to pick a fight with him. There is no room for discussion on issues like this. I am out of suggestions and answers.
Please Help!How do i deal with a my boyfriends spoiled son under my roof?
LIVING IN STEP-FAMILIES: PRE-MARITAL EXPECTATIONS
Before any couple ';ties the knot'; they should talk about what they expect from each other and from their marriage. When the marriage will create a step-family, this is especially important.
People considering marriage often have different ideas of what they expect from each other. Discussing expectations prior to taking that big step will help a couple set realistic goals and make realistic commitments to each other. This guide, designed specifically for prospective step-families, will aid you and your children in discussing ideas and making plans for a satisfying family life.
Creating a successful step-family environment can have many rewards for its members, but it requires more than love and good intentions. Flexibility, commitment and realistic expectations will all contribute to a successful step-family.
Developing realistic expectations involves understanding and accepting the ways a stepfamily structure differs from that of a first-time family. An understanding of these differences will help create a satisfying marital relationship and family life.
A remarriage occurs only after a marriage ends, either through death or divorce, and dreams of marrying and living ';happily ever after'; have been shattered. Because of this, parents and children often must deal with feelings of sadness, anger, hurt and disillusionment. These feelings must be overcome before children and adults can trust and have faith in new relationships. Also, because the parent-child bond originated before the new couple's relationship, stepparents join a family that already has loyalties, traditions, and roles established. Stepparents sometimes feel like outsiders.
Children in step-families have had to cope with the partial or complete loss of a parental relationship. There is a biological parent, in memory or in actuality, who is still important to the child, and who will have an influence on the new step-family. Children remember ';how my mom did it when she was alive,'; or that ';Dad always lets me stay up late at his house.';
Because children may spend time in two different households with different rules and expectations, they need to learn how to make smooth transitions. They may experience loyalty conflicts not realizing you can love two people (e.g., father and stepfather) in the same role. They may need to learn how to deal with the differences in values and lifestyles between the two homes.
Another structural difference must be considered before forming a step-family. A newly married couple usually has time to get to know one another gradually and make marital adjustments before adding a child with the accompanying new roles and responsibilities of parenthood. With remarriage, one is a new spouse and a parent or step-parent from the start. Because of this added complexity, it is especially important to discuss expectations and make plans for the transitions involved. Such planning has the potential of reducing stress for the couple and their children.
Despite the complexities, (and sometimes because of them), a healthy step-family can provide many rewards and satisfactions for step-family members. For adults, remarriage can provide a new opportunity to develop a satisfying intimate relationship. For children who have witnessed the failure of their biological parents' relationship through divorce or have experienced the pain of a parent's death, witnessing their parent's satisfying remarried relationship can renew their faith in close interpersonal relationships.
PRE-MARITAL DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
Personal Goals and Expectations
Jobs
Household Arrangements
Financial Matters
Children
Relationships With Others
Communication
Sexual Expectations
UNDERSTANDING YOUR ANSWERS
Personal Goals and Expectations
Jobs
Household Arrangements
Financial Matters
Children
Relationships With Others
Communication
Sexual Expectations
THE CHILDREN
References
Currier, Cecile (1982). Learning to Step Together : A Course for Step- family Adults, Step-family Association of America, Inc., 28 Allegheny Ave., Suite 1307, Baltimore, MD 21204
Coleman, M. and Ganong, L. (1987). An evaluation of the step-family self-help literature for children and adolescents. Family Relations, 36 (1), 64-65.
Mills, David M . (1984). A mode l for step-family development. Family Relations, 33, 365-372
Visher, Emily %26amp; Visher, John (198 2). How to Win as a Step-family, new York: December Books
Email me at George_McCasland@yahoo.com to receive the full document.How do i deal with a my boyfriends spoiled son under my roof?
dont stress out about it, if he doesnt want to do chores dont make him...who did the chores before your boyfriend came??
Try and see things from his point of view and go easy on him.... he might actualy respect you...
taking that sort of approach from day one is only going to cause trouble if he isnt used to being treated this way...
You tell your doosh bag of a boyfriend that his child lives here so he will follow the house rules.. if he doesn't then he can go live with his grandmother... and if your doosh bag bf wants to argue over it he can leave too.
You need to put your foot down or your life will be miserable and so will your kids. All that live in the house must do chores. No one is excused from this. Have a family meeting at the kitchen table with the kids and the boyfriend.
Respect from all and to each other...all treated the same no favorites..all pitch in to help with chores. Who doesn't like the rules will have to live somewhere else (just joking, but it might scare them)
Rules to be enforce by both adults and children of both sides listen
Again it is called RESPECT! No fighting and running to dad or mom..if the rules are broken then they are grounded from all activities until chores are done.
You need a back bone and stand your ground.
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